Women
Perspective
Dealing with in-laws can prove tricky for both, men and
women. However, sharing a good relationship with your in-laws is vital. For
one, if you live with them, you will be spending a lot of time with them.
Secondly, they will be instrumental in instilling values in your children.
Last, but not least, excessively involved or detached in-laws can put pressure on
a marriage.
Why is it
that you can tell your own mother she's driving you crazy, but not your
mother-in-law? Precisely because she's not your mom. "You don't have a
history with your in-laws, you didn't grow up with them, so you don't know how
they'll react to criticism,"
A good
rapport with the in-laws, then, is always a boon. "It can be especially
tough in the first year of marriage. But, with a mix of tact,
straightforwardness and 'healthy selfishness', it is definitely possible to
deal with them successfully,"
The Mother-In-Law
According to psychologists, tension between a wife and
mother-in-law results when both of you start 'competing' for the affection of
the same man. This causes the most problems in marriages. The wife is not seen
as the 'first' woman in the man's life. There may sometimes even be a somewhat
emotionally claustrophobic relationship between a mother and her son.
"This
is not to say that all men are 'mama's boys', but a majority of Indian men do
have this type of conditioning,” Handling an overbearing, controlling and
manipulative mom-in-law can be difficult. So, what do you do if your mom-in-law
is possessive or bossy? One way of dealing with this is to let your dear
husband know she upsets you and let him deal with it.
Your Husband's Role
'Why him', you may ask? Mom-in-law, who lives with couples,
is a major source of disharmony. It's not just what she does or says but, more importantly,
how your husband reacts to it. Does he back you up, put his family first, etc,"
A rule of
thumb when dealing with in-laws: the husband should deal with his family, the
wife with hers. This is so because families can easily forgive their own family
members, not an 'outsider' . So, instead of dealing
with your spouse's family directly, talk it over with your husband and do your
best to win his support and understanding.
If you
are strong-willed and fiercely independent
It's
possible you may not be your in-laws' 'dream bahu'.
They may find you too ambitious and less 'homely' than they hoped. "In
today's scenario there are independent woman who, after marriage, had to keep
mouth shut just to maintain the peace. It isn't easy being bullied and pushed
into a corner,"
We
suggest a solution "Try explaining to them how important your career is to
you, and that, by pressurizing you to only be a homemaker or behave in a
certain way, they are hurting you. Share the details of your job with them so
they feel involved in your life in every way, which could also help them be
more empathetic towards you."
Joint family: How to divide
chores
Traditionally, housework isn't considered work -- only
something a woman is required to do compulsorily. Thus, few people in the
family appreciate what a woman does for the home or understands why she seems
tired and irritable. The timetable of a working mom can be choc-a-bloc. "A
typical day starts at 5 am and ends late at night. The hard work is intensified
by the pressures of demanding in-laws and children, not to mention deadlines
that had to be met at work,"
Working
women, especially, are in a state of continuous stress, which shows up in
symptoms like fatigue, feeling irritable, headaches, body aches and
gastrointestinal problems. Obviously, the correct treatment is to reduce the
burden on the working mother. "Here, the family, particularly the
spouse, plays the most important role. Helping your working wife out with
domestic chores and sharing the burden of parenting can really help,"
"Discuss with your own partner the role/responsibilities you would like
your in-laws to take too,"
Setting boundaries
Making a list of 'non-negotiables' can help a young couple
deal with an extended family. "one of my friend had inter-caste
marriage, which his parents were against. they found that the best way to
keep relations positive was to limit the number of visits they have with them
and the time spent during those visits. Even though they felt bad about it
initially, but their relations improved."
"Keeping
personal topics out of bounds helps improve in-law relations too. My husband
and I have a 'no-telling policy' when it comes to personal information that we
feel can be used to control our lives. We simply avoid discussing subjects
about which they could form a strong opinion."
Your in-laws could be
anxious too
Even though a son's marriage is one of the most joyous
moments in any parent's life, they also realize there is another person in his
life who is going to be the center of his attention. Sometimes, this can make
parents feel vulnerable and be on the defensive, even without provocation.
"Maybe this is why some mothers-in-law don't allow their daughters-in-law
inside the kitchen for a long time as they are afraid of 'losing control',"
"Trust will take time to develop, but you must try and bridge the
distance yourself."
How to build bridges
Forge a strong bond with your husband.
Sincerely focus on your relationship with your spouse and do whatever you can
to strengthen your bond with him. Communication is the key. Also, try not to
criticize your spouse's relationship with his parents, as it may only lead to
bitterness
Make an effort to know more about your in-laws, their lifestyle, and what they
consider to be acceptable behavior.
Forge a personal bond with your in-laws. Try a few activities together and you
may find that you have more in common with them than you thought.
Be polite. "This doesn't mean you have to change your personality to
please your in-laws, simply respect rules and traditions that are important to
the older generation,"
If an in-law doesn't react positively to your well-intended gestures or
comments, don't take it personally. "Just let it go when it happens. Then
discuss solutions with your partner later,"
Consider alternatives. Try to compromise and be flexible, rather than not
budging.
Don't be swayed by stereotypes. Make an effort to observe and understand your
in-laws, then deal with the situation.
You might feel like an intruder in the house initially, but give it a few
months and endear yourself to the family before making decisions or changes in
the house. "If you act as if you're the boss right from the first day,
your mother-in-law will definitely resent it,".
Take your in-laws out shopping and eat out with them once in a while. Laughter is a great binding agent, so rent DVDs of a few comedies and watch them together. Go over old photo albums together in your spare time.
THE
BOTTOM LINE? IF YOU HAVE WONDERFUL IN-LAWS, GIVE THEM A GREAT BIG HUG. IF YOU
DON'T, REMEMBER THAT YOU'RE NOT ALONE. REMAIN POSITIVE AND TRY MAKING THE BEST
OUT OF YOUR SITUATION.
